If someone says you’re ugly, punch them in the eyes so they don’t have to look at you.. it’s almost a random act of kindness

You know… in a thousand or so years, archaeologists are gonna dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment..

TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE WHORE, CLOSE YOUR LEGS, THEY’RE NOT A DOOR!

“Behind every successful man is a surprised woman” – Author Unknown

“What starts with F and ends in UCK? Firetruck” – Author Unknown

“Men are like bank accounts, without a lot of money they don’t generate a lot of interest” – Author Unknown

“If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way” – Author Unknown

“Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils” – Author Unknown

“There once was a man from Cape Horn, who wished he had never been born… and he wouldn’t have been, if his father had seen, that the tip of the condom was torn.”